Valentine’s Day Whoopin

Good Morning and Happy Valentines Day Ladies.  Fella’s, yer on yer own! 

Yesterday after I got home from work, I came in the house limping, using a cane, and wearing a sad bulldog face.  Beth took one look at me and her eye-brows drawed up next to one another at sharp angles and gave me the “GET YOUR GYM BAG” look and I knew that I wouldn’t win.  She took my wrapping paper cardboard tube roller upper onner cane, and threw it away and pinched me by the ear and marched me upstairs to get my gym clothes.  I then faked a phone call as I discussed project time lines and the budget.  All was going well until the dad-gum phone rang when I was supposed to be talking on it and I was busted.  Instead of waiting around to be counseled and beat about the legs, I ran down the stairs and out into the street where everyone could see me and come to my assistance should crazy lady follow me out of the house. 

We did go to the damn SLAP! gym and although I was playing it off, I could tell all the other crazy ladies there were talking about tomorrow (today) and all.  I acted like I was completely oblivious to what national holiday was coming up and went about my business of using up more energy to not workout, than to simply work out and expel only half that energy.  Whining burns fat by the way.  Every time Beth would go to a new machine, I’d go somewhere close but behind her and do a lot of grunting and exhaling loudly.  Every now and again, I’d splash my face and navel with water so it looked like I was sweating.  Me and the rest of the husbands were all doing the same thing. Heck, if we could have snuck beer in the gym, I’d go twice a day!

After we finished lifting weights, Beth declared it was time for “us” to go jogging.  SonuvaSLAP! (splash).  I felt like a boxer cause sweat (bottled water) flew off me in beads going in every direction. It looked like a Rocky movie when he was getting hit in slow motion and his bottom lip wrapped up around his neck and sweat went all over the building.  I ran to the treadmills and tried to get the treadmill on the far end next to the lady who obviously works at that famous place known for their chicken wings and they also have an airline, but Beth was quicker than I and made me use the machine right next to her so we could go running together.  I pouted and stuck my finger in her water bottle then started running.  After 30 or 74 miles (I’m sure), it was finally time to finish this gym thing up, so we went and showered and then met back outside in the lobby.  I was still sweating and panting and whining and being a cranky baby in general and I suggested that we go have a “light-dinner” and then we’d relax for the evening.  Beth said that sounded good and it was my choice.  HELLO ALE HOUSE.  I put the hammer down and a few minutes later we arrived at the Audubon Ale House.   My light dinner started off with 20 half priced BBQ’d chicken arms.  Since there were half priced, I could eat twice as much right?  The sauce was hot so I had to drink frequently to keep from burning my lips off my head.  It was happy hour and I was pretty damn SLAP! happy.

Valentines stuff was all over the walls and folks were talking about it, so I couldn’t fake like I didn’t see it any longer.  “Honey, when Valentines Day gets here next month, we should go out for dinner or something”. It was real quiet for a minute or two and then Beth said, “Yes Dear, that sounds nice”.  I could tell by the tone, that she really thought I didn’t know that Valentines Day was next weekend, the 21st. We ordered salads and I ordered another beer just in case my salad had hot sauce on it.  During dinner, I learnt that we would go and pick up the dawg, pick the boys up from a high school dance, stop by and see Joy & Matt & Beth’s Mom & Joey & William & Zipper, and then we could relax.  I figured that would be about 3 in the morning cause Matt and I are fond of beer and all. SLAP! Dinner was delish and away we went.  After we got back to the house, I relaxed for about 6 seconds and the next thing I knew it was morning.

We were supposed to go back to the gym this morning, but after Beth had fallen asleep (in 4 seconds) last night, I turned off the alarm clock and would worry about the punishment in the morning.  We woke up about 7:50 this morning and neither one of us could figure out why the alarm didn’t go off. “Those things are so unreliable and all”, I said. We would no doubt miss the 8:00 a.m. workout class that I so much wanted to go to.  I turned around and Beth was just smiling at me with those “Do You Know What Day It Is” eyes.  “Uhm, Hi Honey, you ok?”  I thought she was still a little sleepy perhaps.  I told her I would be right back as I had to go get something.  I recall she smiled brightly at those words and I still didn’t know why.  I went and grabbed the newspaper and headed into the bathroom.  Her smile wasn’t quite as big as it had been.

Oh Sheeeeeeeeeeet!  The front of the news paper said Happy Valentines Day!  I quickly dropped the kids off at the pool and then started formulating my next plan.  “Uhm, Honey!, hehe, uhm,  I gotta run up to the Wal-mart to pick up, uhm, some, starch. I’ll be right back!”, spoken all from behind the door. I opened the door and there before me was crazy-ninja-psycho-woman in a house coat, rollers, and slippers. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS MISTER?” Gulp, “Honey, now do you really think I didn’t know today was Valentines Day.  Do you think that I could have forgotten and would stoop so low as to not have ANYTHING for you at this particular moment in time, as we stand here, in the bathroom, and, uhm, honey, put that rolling pin down, and, need to sneak off up to the Wal-mart to find some carnations” SULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAP!    Her nose began to exhaust smoke from each nostril and fire was dancing in her eyes. “HONEY, I meant Daisy's, uhm, Tulips?, Roses (she nodded), yeah Roses,  uhm yellow ones, white ones, red ones (she nodded), yeah, Red Ones, with little weeds in them, uhm Posey’s. Don’t they sell roses up at the 7/11?” SLAP!!!!!

I jumped in the Vibe and double clutched that lil car until I had made it to Daisy’s R Us up in Limerick. On the way, I got stopped at the intersection and Marcel was selling a dozen roses for $11.45 (economy special)  with only a couple of discrepancies.  First off, for being a dozen, there were only 8 flowers in all.  Of the 8, only 2 of them were remnants of roses and the other 6 were yard weeds. I almost bought it to save time but I didn’t have exact change. He had a much better selection last year and I think the weed to flower ratio was much closer.  Poor Marcel, just trying to make a buck so he can brush that one remaining tooth he has.  I went in to Daisy's ’R Us and bought a dozen tulips and a dozen roses and asked them to put the little white weed things amongst them but since I was as late as one could be, their weed selection was way down too.

I was able to find the heart shaped vase that I bought in a panic last year at this same time and filled it up with water and stuck the roses, tulips, white lil weeds and plant food.  I shook it a little to mix up the plant food and one of the tulip heads fell off!  By the time I got them all spread out and set up nicely, I had sacrificed 4 tulips, and dripped water all throughout the house.  I put the sacrificed tulip petals in the kitchen on the floor.  I thought it would be so romantic until we came downstairs later only to learn the damn SLAP! dawg ate them.  Now she’s gonna have purple dookey-sticks for a week!  SLAP!

She’d bought her cards months ago. 
I bought mine 12 minutes ago.

This is the card that Beth gave to me.

I actually bought two, and lucky I did, as she did too.  One I bought, was a Bassett Hound and then I got in trouble cause our dawg ain’t a Bassett Hound, it’s a German Shepherd with short legs; some folks call them Corgi's.  That’s why the dawg is getting to sit in her lap and not me!  Next year I’m buying flowers in November so I’m ready for Feb 15th.   I hope ya’ll had very Happy Valentine’s.

Be Particular!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons license.