Friday, October 15, 1999

Fat Bulldogs, Alabama Bullfrogs, and Peanutbutter Sandwiches

I hadn't planned on adding to the journal quite so soon, but being home for the weekend allows me to see so much more of the activities (oddities) that happen around the house than when I'm at work Monday through Friday.

I was awakened this morning by what I thought was a bear attack as I lay sleeping in a tent in the great outdoors of Pennsylvania.  Actually, I was in bed and Mo had "palmed" my face looking for a boost up to cuddle with Mary and I.  I had to get out of bed to accomplish this because Mo is no lightweight.  Sporting an 85 pound barrel shaped body, it would take a firm stance and a bit of sweating to elevate him the 2 1/2  feet required. He and Boomer get lifted up every night before we go to bed, but Mo usually manages to fall off the bed sometime during the night.  Never has there been such a funny sight as Mary attempting this lifting feat.  Mo is almost as big as her, and the two of them straining to accomplish the "Mo-Jack", is quite a sideshow.  I must interrupt for a second for a sidebar giving a description of how Mary does, in fact, accomplished this.

  Imagine, if you will, a child on the beach.  The child wants to go and play in the water and bring along her floating
mattress to ride on.  The only problem is, the air mattress is larger (taller) than she is so it's a bit difficult to carry it.  She successfully figures out a  way by grasping the mattress at the seam that runs between the pillow part and the mattress itself.  As a result, the mattress portion sticks straight out (perpendicular to her body) and the pillow parts swells and looks like a basketball.  Now, apply that same mental picture to Mary & Mo.  She grabs him just below his front arms (armpits) and lifts. His heads swells up, and all of his additional skin crowns on the top of his fat underbitten head, and his body sticks straight out allowing her to rotate her body and slide his back side onto the bed.  Upside down now, and a bit dizzy from lack of oxygen, Mo will usually sit there for a couple of minutes regaining consciousness.  This is a daily event for the Watts House in Lansdale.

S I D E B A R  E N D
                                                           Mo & Boomer                             "Thugs"

Anyway, having completed the "lift" I noticed that it was still quite early in the morning so I figured I'd get back in bed and rest from the recent workout. NOT HAPPENING!  Mo had conveniently stretched his non-gazelle like figure, width ways across my side of the bed and the only spot left available (after Boomer had also taken advantage of the extra space) was to lay width ways along the windows seal and pillow area at the top of the bed.  Not only is this extremely uncomfortable, but the glass from the windows is quite cold on my "cheeks".  Besides that, the neighbor's might call it in! The neighbor's were also part of the gathering only 3 nights before as Otis went sight seeing.

Instead of admitting defeat, I tried to think of a way to fake 'em out long enough for me to reclaim MY BED.  I walked to the bedroom door and said loud enough for them to hear, "I wonder if there are any biscuits left in the kitchen"? I felt the flow of air as their ears shot skyward.  But still, neither moved from the warm, comfortable bed that I longed to be in.  Hmmm, I then moved farther down the hall and began making animal sounds. First a chicken, then a cow, and finally a 3 legged bullmoose, except, I added a lisp.  I accomplished the last one with a loud HAWOOOO, but with a pouty face. I could see by the reflection in the window that both were interested, but given the choice of sleeping in MY bed, or investigating the noises in the hallway, both elected to let whatever "it" was eat me so long as it didn't interrupt their sleep time; any of the 18 hours they require daily.

I was still too tired to wake up and face the day, but I had to do something.  Simply pushing one of them out of the way wouldn't do it.  Just as one begins sliding, against his will, the other slips right in. They work well together at making my hair fallout.  Have you ever tried sitting in a single-seated living room chair that 2 plump Bulldogs also want to? As much as I'd like to have them as lap dogs, having a combined weight of 150 pounds makes it difficult to watch TV and breathe too.

That's when I noticed the Alabama Bullfrog!  Remember it's still early morning and a bit dark outside and inside. Sat there at the end of the hallway was a 3 pound bullfrog that was crouched down, ready to jump 17 feet in my direction. This is getting serious now I thought.  Do Alabama Bullfrogs have teeth?  I slipped through the doors in the hallway that lead to the living room and eventually ended up in the kitchen.  I was looking for a baseball bat in case I had to fight my way back to the bedroom, but again, no furniture yet, so I had to settle for an electric belt-driven floor sander.  I figured if I got the first strike, at least the frog would be smooooooth, naked, cold, and dis-interested in fighting back.  I plugged in the extension cord and edged my way along the wall so he couldn't see me.  I figured I had to act fast so he wouldn't attack prior to me getting into a defensive posture.  In one quick movement, I turned on the sander and sanded him good!   sniff sniff, what's that smell, and why is the bullfrog gooey.  The light switch was near him so I hadn't advanced far enough to turn it on yet.  This bullfrog stinks!  I turned on the light and found that I had made a big mess, and mistake.  The bullfrog turned out to be a present Boomer or Mo left for us in the hallway and now I had catapulted Doo Doo the entire length of the hall, from floor to ceiling.  ASK MARY!

The entire house is awake now, check that, half the block is awake now.  Between the dog's losing their minds and Mary flying out of the bedroom to see what the commotion is.  WATCH OUT! The hallway has taken on the appearance of the Carlsbad Caverns and we now have chocolate stalagmites hanging from the ceiling, 'cept they stink.  Boomer and Mo think its a game so they get in to a wresting match.  I look up at my darling Wife down at the other in of the hall.  I'm still in a bit of a daze.  I have just successfully sanded a Henry and painted the hallway in less than 2 seconds. If I'da just had a bat, but definitely not a golf club.  I spent the next hour with 409 in one hand and a sponge the other.  I'm so glad we have a steam cleaner - that spot is barely visible now.

I'm way too awake now to even think about going back to bed.  I did more before 9 a.m. than ALL the Armed Forces did the whole day.  I've weight lifted, flanked the enemy, did a little sanding, painting and spring cleaning all before 6:00 a.m..

Mary has gone into the kitchen where I can hear her in conversation with Mo and Boomer. "No, not right now, not until you two finish playing down stairs.  Leave Dad alone, he's cleaning right now". "Woof Woof"..... " I said in a little bit".

Don't ask me, I thought they said something totally different.  I see Mary getting out the bread and Peanut butter.  I asked her if it was a little early in the day for a sandwich and she look's at me (I'm still speckled) and say's "Didn't you hear a word they said"?  What can you say to that? I tried to comfort Mary and say it'll all be alright.  She can't see me looking up the straight jacket people in the yellow pages behind her back. Remember I work Monday through Friday and apparently miss family hour each morning.

Mary prepares 2 sandwiches, chips, and a dog biscuit for desert.  As she walks my way, I turn to her, and prepare to accept the sandwich that she had made me(I didn't notice previously that the dog biscuit was added).  She walks on by like one of those comical love story's where the man and women are running towards each other and the lady keeps running.  I turn around to see what's going on and there sits Mo and Boomer like 2 alter boys.  Mary sets a plate in front of each one of them, gives them a little pat and heads back into the kitchen.  Have I lost my mind or has my Wife just prepared a meal for the boys and didn't feed me too? I don't know if I should say something or not.  Certainly spraying doodie all over the house hasn't upset her.  "Honey, uhmmm, how's the weather? Wanna, uh, go fishin?"

Ah - that's what it was, here comes the skillet and the eggs and the bacon and the fried bread.  One, two, three, four, five plates!  Wait a minute. Are we having company and I wasn't told, I'm sitting here in front of the computer in my Trick-or-Treat boxers and we're having company!  "No, I told the boys that after they played they could have breakfast with us".  Now Folks, I know you're probably not believin a word of this, but it's the honest truth.  Mary makes the boys and Otis breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner.  Maybe that's why our good ole Major stayed with us until he was 18 years young.

Breakfast was delicious, except I had to share the bacon and fried bread with  Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumber.  The day is early so I'll close for now and get to work tearing out a wall or two.  I've been making mental notes about my journal entry that will be completed after the study is the way we want it.

No worries, I did contact a friend to ask his advice on how I could be 100% sure, or not,  that the wall that I'm about knock out isn't a supporting one. He told me if I knock it out and the roof caves in, I can be 100% sure that it is a supporting wall.

Geza's on his way over to take a look for me now.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons license.


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